I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

My doctor is like 90 years old, but he’s been 90 years old since I started seeing him 15 years ago. Every visit he shuffles into the exam room in his suit and tennis shoes of indeterminate brand. He discusses lab results and ultra sound and bone scan results. He doesn’t miss a thing or even forget anything about me.  He greets me in French because he knows I lived there and he’s French.

Every visit I ask him, half fearing the answer, if this is the year he’ll retire and every year he says the same thing “We take it one day at a time”.....so the secret to living to happy and healthy old age is apparently to take it one day at a time.......

Google really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Aidric and I are hanging with Jessica today. We’re tidying the house and getting groceries for tomorrow nights dinner.

Jessica convinced me to walk to Imboden’s from her house to get the meat.  It would burn some of Aidric’s energy and burn off our breakfast. It’s less than a mile to the butcher shop so, even though it’s still soupy out, I said yes.

The problem is that on the way back I was carrying 8lbs. of carne asada.  See eight pounds of carne asada weighs 8lbs!.....

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

We went to the zoo for Cormac’s 2nd birthday today. Aside from the fact that we spent the day trying to breath air as thick as pudding and sweating so much we were all drenched before the dolphins tried to splash us, we had a great time. Of course I took my camera and took pics of Aidric and his nephew. The two boys had to stick their heads through every photo board in the zoo. They were turtles, fish, snails, frogs, water drops......well you get it. I took some movies of the stupid dolphin show and more photos of the boys with Matt on a giant bronze gorilla. Wonderful memories all fully documented....... I downloaded them to my computer and every f****ng one of them is blurry. I hate the auto focus feature because it flattens my pictures, they have no depth, but I’m so freaking blind even with my glasses on that I can’t manually focus either. Totally sucks!! hmmm....maybe I’m so blind that I only think the pictures are blurry as I look at them on my computer screen.......Hey, it could happen......

There is a great need for a sarcasm font!

I love my teenaged nieces. Teenaged girls have the unique ability to be both incredibly mature and wise beyond their years and at the same time naive and child like and, well, downright silly. If you ever get a chance, you must peruse the photos that Emy and Caro took with grandma last night on her Mac with the Photo Booth program. The three of them were laughing hysterically the entire time and the photos reflect an evening of total fun and merriment.

In other news.........hmmmm,......nope that was it.....

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong

A typical Missy rant - if you have a pet that you proudly carry around in your purse, just skip this one.

I was accosted by a teeny tiny yappy pretend dog in a stroller at the grocery store today. I was mulling over which chocolate cake mix to buy when a lady pushing a stroller walks past me and something in the stroller started BARKING at me. Now perhaps the dog was just reminding me that I'm on a diet and didn't need that brand of chocolate cake mix or any other, but that makes being barked at in the grocery store no less annoying.

What does it say about our society that:

A) We have strollers for our teeny tiny yappy pretend dogs?

B) Our teeny tiny yappy pretend dogs don't need to walk. (We're overweight and so should they be?)

or

We've bred such teen tiny, teeny tiny yappy pretend dogs, that their little legs are too short to keep up with a normal adult stride.

And

C) We can now bring our teeny tiny yappy pretend dogs in their stupid strollers into the GROCERY store!

That is all.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Our neighbors up on the corner are Mr. and Mrs. C. They, like many of our neighbors, have lived in their home since the neighborhood was built in 1962. Mr. and Mrs. C have two very old dogs of questionable lineage that I think are held together with bubble gum and duct tape. Morton, who is part bulldog, eats rocks and Chiquita who is pure mutt and resembles no known breed, is constantly sporting a bandage around her middle. They are very old dogs and I would easily believe that they came with the house.

Mr. and Mrs. C pass by our house walking their motley crew every day and they always say hello. The funny thing is that although they insist we call them Mr. and Mrs. C, because they are our elders and we must be respectful, they never remember our names. They call us Mother, Father and Young Man...seriously.

Do cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit?

Good morning friends, today I come to you from a 'Barnes & Noble Cafe' (serving Starbuck's Coffee)' I'm feeling very cool and chic working on my laptop with about 10 other senior citizens (not that I am one, but I feel like one today.). This spot is probably popular with seniors of the laptop persuasion because the Wifi is free here.

Ever notice how mornings belong to the elderly? I'm here because I had a One To One session at the Apple store in the mall this morning. So first the seniors, then the Apple experience.

My appointment was at 9 am, which is well before the mall opens. Malls today - in case you are not old and do not get up early in the morning and hit the mall when it's still closed - open their doors early so that those wishing to can walk in air conditioned comfort and safety (walking in your neighborhood may not be as safe as you'd like it to be). Some of these malls even provide 'mile markers' along the route on discreet little signs that the uninitiated might notice and puzzle over but that those in the know appreciate greatly.

I love watching the gaggles of little old women trundle around the circuit all the while chattering about last nights dinner disaster, the raising of HOA fees at the complex, the price of bread (...why when I was young....) and the latest doings of the grand and great grand children (.....that good for nothing, snotty nosed kid had the nerve to .....,). Really people, I couldn’t make this stuff up.....Anyway, this morning I ran into just such a gaggle using the public restroom en masse. As I entered the room I was greeted by the happy sounds of animated conversation. In my wicked little mind I pictured a high school bathroom hazing and one of the little blue hairs getting a swirly in the handicapped stall. I don’t know why, I think just the happy jumble of voices took me back to those days and then my imagination did the rest. After being in there for a few minutes with the group, believe me I had the one pegged that should get the swirly too. The ‘one ups-men’ granny, her grand kids were the worst, her stories were the most horrifying in every category. Yikes.

Where was I going with this story anyway. No idea...Oh, I know, I was just thinking about why it is that seniors are up and abroad so early. It’s because they don’t sleep. It seems grossly unfair to me that those of us with no time to spare in our days are cursed with an absolute need for a full 8 hours (9 or 10 for me) just to function, and that these lovely oldsters can get by on 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Opening up all sorts of spare time for them.

In other useless news....I’m enjoying my Apple experience thus far. I’m a huge fan of the One to One classes. These classes are available only with new Apple purchases for a small fee and must be purchased at the time you buy your computer. That being said, I do not advertise for them, I just feel that the whole concept is a stroke of genius. You can go in as often as you like (by appointment) for a whole year and they will teach you anything you want to know about your computer hardware, software and peripherals. Also if you are working on a project they will help you with the technical aspects of it. I initially went for a ‘getting to know your Mac’ class, but have since been to have them explain aspects of my digital camera, some third party software, and explanations of the Mac filing system. I love this program and intend to go in as much as I can for the year that I have it available. One hour to pick the brain of an Apple genius one to one is fabulous.

And then briefly back to the oldsters. I get my appointments in the early morning, because I drop Aidric off at pre-school and then go in to the store. I find that the early morning appointments are filled mostly by older people and mostly women. They are working on getting to know their computers. Some the basics, how to use e-mail, how to get on line, some have more elaborate projects. I met one woman who is an artists and she was working on producing a multi media presentation for a gallery of her art pieces. Her art work was beautiful and her presentation was very inspiring. I met another woman who sews, she had just purchased a very expensive embroidery machine and was working on software to design her own patterns for the machine. She also had a short media presentation of her sewing work. Anyway, thus far I am very happy with my new laptop. One big reason is very simple, my old lap top could only be off ‘life support’ for 20 to 30 minutes at a time, this new one is good to go for 6 to 8 hours depending on what I’m doing.

Boy, this has to be one of the most boring entries I’ve ever typed, but that’s ok because I’m enjoying the coffee shop atmosphere. It’s filling up with all sorts of people now. There’s a very rowdy group of special needs teens a few tables away and they are doing a great job of moving the seniors out with all the noise. Alas me too.....

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option

If someone gave you a book titled "The woman with the black hat", would you assume it's about a witch? What about "The woman with the tall black hat"? See, I think that would make me picture a woman with a Lincolnesque (forgive my neologism, but I think Lincolnesque should be a word.) stovepipe hat. But "The woman with the tall pointy black hat" is just too obvious and obviously too long for a book title. No, "The woman with the black hat" is just right, it’s descriptive and mysterious. Is she a witch, is she a widow...

What? You don’t seriously expect my ramblings to mean something do you? Do you not know me at all.

..............................

Every time I make that drive between here and San Diego I curse those people who jump into the carpool lane when the freeway slows down. No, not all of them just the ones who do it illegally. When the freeway slows to 40 and the carpool is still going 55 (actual numbers have been changed to protect my innocence) they all start crossing that magic double yellow line like it doesn't exist. It's a double yellow line people! I mean that's practically a brick wall in road paint language!

It's not that they get in front of me, it's that it's unsafe. No, really, it causes accidents when a slow car without enough room to get up to speed just jumps in front of faster traffic, I mean it's basic physics (isn't it?). ANYWAY, I digress.

I always say, where are the CHPs, why doesn't someone get caught? I mean really why have laws when no ones ever around to enforce them, except of course when it's me that's strayed slightly off the 60MPH mark..... Well, finally the other day vindication. I'm heading south on the 405 and traffic has of course slowed to a crawl, when an uppity little black sedan jumps into the carpool lane illegally three cars ahead of me. When from out of nowhere, out of the midst of dense 405 traffic comes a CHP car. He snaps in neatly behind the offender and gives him the quick 'wah, wah' siren and turns on his flashing lights. Of course, moron in the black sedan starts to stop right there in the carpool lane! After a few seconds of gesturing the CHP gets the idiot to start making his way to the right shoulder. All of us in the carpool lane are doing little happy cheers in our cars. As I drive past 'uppity' I see that even better than the double yellow violation, the guy is ALONE in the car! Carpool violation $341, crossing the double yellow line another fine, having a CHP in the right place at the right time PRICELESS!

If God made Earth like Microsoft made Windows,one worm could completely destroy civilization.

Seriously looking into getting a Mac Book Pro. Maybe a refurbished one, cause Mac's are expensive. 'Nough said.

I have the most polite child on earth. Seriously ask anyone who knows him. He says 'please' and 'thank you' and even the oft forgotton, 'you're welcome'. He says 'excuse me' and 'I'm sorry'. When I serve him a meal he'll say, 'thanks mommy' and 'this is yummy' or 'I like this mommy'. A real gem.

Tonight I made chili for dinner. I served Aidric a bowl heaped with cheese (he likes cheese). He said 'Thank you mommy' and took a bite. After swallowing hard and making a not so good face he said 'It's...It's not my favorite.'

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.

Aidric's current favorite TV show is a cartoon about two globe trotting pigs with the unfortunate names of Toot and Puddle. The show is called um...Toot & Puddle. I wonder if his preference for the show is related to recent life events.

Oh, and I guess it wasn't a tarantula, it was a scorpion.