Here's your sign!

When I was pregnant I became a Tums connoisseur. I mean it, everyone and my mother was sending me Tums, I couldn't find them here (more on that later) and the heartburn from month 5 and on was relentless. I was popping Tums like they were candy, and let's face it, they taste like candy.

Now, you all may not know this, but if you go in to your local big-chain-squeeze-out-the-independent-pact-with-Satan pharmacy (read Walgreens here), you'll notice that Tums aren't what they used to be, they come in all sorts of flavors. Assorted mints, fruits, berries and citrus (which seems really stupid). Every time I got a new batch of Tums in the mail, they were a new flavor combo I'd never seen before.

My mom sent me some in a bottle that informed me that the Tums within were Tropical Fruit flavored. So what are we talking? Papaya, Mango and Star Fruit? No, we are actually talking pineapple, some sort of berry and banana. Yes, banana! As if the chalky-ness wasn't bad enough, lets make it also taste like banana! Trust me, I ate every Tums in that bottle that wasn't yellow first and then when my new shippment of Tums didn't arrive in time I was forced to eat the banana flavored ones.

I found myself imagining the board room at GlaxoSmithKline on the day of the fateful 'banana decision'. A room full of football-hero looking guys and one nerd. The football-hero guys never let the nerd participate, they heckle his input and more than one of them has been responsible for the tape between his lenses at one point or other.

On that day stupid jock guy #1 says 'Come on men, we need a new angle, those Pepcid nerds are killing us.'

Jock #2 feeling the pressure to come up with that one brilliant winning idea over reaches and just blurts out 'How about tropical fruit flavors.'

'Brilliant!' enthuses Jock #1 'So what flavors will this new product include?'

Jock #2 visibly pales because he doesn't have any damn clue what 'tropical fruits' are (or even where the tropics are for that matter.) and then he quietly mumbles 'um..Strawberry,...'

The nerd interrupts in his please-don't-hit-me-but-you-know-I'm-right voice with 'Well actually strawberry is not...' but he gets kicked under the table per usual and his statement trails away.

Jock #3 says 'Pineapple'

'Good job men, what else?'

The nerd pipes up in a squeaky please-don't-kick-me-again-it-really-hurts voice 'Banana.'

The room is suddenly pin-drop silent all eyes turn to Jock #1 to see what he'll say, as the guy closest to the nerd prepares to kick him again.

'You know what, that's a good one, I don't think anyone has ever done banana before.'

The nerd glows with pleasure.

Now, all I can think of is that someone should have taken the nerd out long before that fateful day. All the years of abuse, all those years of his brilliant ideas being panned and he wastes his big shot with 'banana'. A lost chance for all nerdom that.

Anyway, I couldn't find the Tums equivalent in France. Well, to be perfectly honest, I didn't really look that hard. And the reason for my reluctance can be summed up in two little words 'Potato Chips'.

Yes, potato chips. Among the few American products that they do carry here are Lays brand potato chips. They come in your basic flavors like regular, vinegar and bar-b-que but they also come in other flavors. In my opinion, bizarre flavors, things like ketchup, cheese and onion, Jambon Serrano (that would be Serrano Ham) and ... wait for it... roasted chicken with thyme flavor. Oh no, you read correctly, it's true, roasted chicken with thyme. I bought some once to see what they tasted like and they tasted like roasted chicken with thyme. Near the bottom of the bag I was Violet Beauregarde-ing it and hoping for some dessert.

So in view of the potato chip flavor choices, I stopped looking for the Tums equivelent in the pharmacies. I mean really, I thought banana flavored antacids are bad enough and as much as I love Foie Gras, I don't think I can stomach a Foie Gras flavored antacid.