I know that I have a sort of a reputation as a decent gardener, but in the realm of houseplants I don’t have such a good rep. There are certain types of plants that I have managed to kill every time I’ve gotten my hands on them. If the Ficus Benjamina had a post office, my photo would be up on their ‘most wanted’ wall. The only exception would be that where it normally says ‘dead or alive’ their poster would read simply ‘dead’.
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About a year and a half ago during a trip to Ikea, I decided to buy some bamboo. I mean, how hard can it be, you put it in water and it grows. I took home two, what – sticks? Um plants? Or are they called stems? Anyway, I took home two of them and stuck them in a glass of water. From time to time I’d add more water and the two plants not only grew, they seemed to thrive.
Bolstered by this success, several months later during another visit to Ikea, I saw some Boston ferns. Another plant I kill regularly. I decided to go for it and looked for the biggest, healthiest specimen I could find. I figure that for 5 euros I can afford to try again. So I place the little thing into my basket and quietly explain to it my track record. I apologized in advance and then give it a little pep talk about how I think that if we both work together we can create some positive results. I swear that as I finished my little monologue I saw its little fronds tremble slightly and then droop.
Well, within two weeks the poor thing had lost almost all of its leaves and if you’ve ever killed a fern, you know how messy it can be. Blood…um, I mean leaves everywhere, all of those sticky up brown stems pointing straight up in the air like some sort of ill fated mohawk or something, accusation quivering in every breeze. I refused to bury it though, I trimmed up its brown sticky up stems, cleaned up its leaves and left it on the shelf. Once a week I’d dribble a little bit of water into the pot, you know, just in case and tried the old ‘if you ignore a problem long enough it will fix itself’ technique of plant care.
Sure enough in a few weeks I saw a few little green fronds starting to uncurl. I continued to ignore the plant and wouldn’t even look at or breathe on it when I watered it. In time, more fronds began to grow. After a few months, yes months, it is starting to look like a fern again. It will be several more months I think before it looks like it did when I bought it, but until then I’ll continue to ignore it.
Well, all of this success having gone straight to my head, I once again found myself at Ikea in early February, and right there prominently placed in the middle of the plant isle were these adorable little ficus trees. They stood there, hundreds of little foot tall trees. It was a little ficus forest! I sidled over to them to take a peek and I guess word must’ve gotten around about me, because they all appeared to lean away from me as soon as I approached and none of them would make eye contact.
I thought what the heck, and I picked one up and put it in my cart. I quietly gave it the same little chat I’d given to the now thriving fern and also explained my recent successes and how I felt very positive about its future. I swear the little thing whispered ‘whatever’.
I patted its little leaves and whispered back ‘there, there.’
Then as I walked away from the little ficus forest I had a brainstorm. If I get more than one tree, then the odds of my success increase. After all I couldn’t possibly kill them all could I!? So I picked up two more and set them in my cart flanking their friend, who filled them in on their imminent demise.
Well….::heavy sigh::…within three weeks they had all lost most of their leaves. First, let me say in my defense that I was in the US for two of those weeks. I gave them plenty of water so they could survive the two weeks, and apparently ficus’ are not good at rationing, and they guzzled down all the water right away and tried to commit over-hydration suicide.
HOWEVER, I followed the ‘if you ignore a problem long enough it will fix itself’ protocol. I swept up the leaf debris from the counter tops and began to systematically starve them all, and in no time at all they ALL came back to life. All three of them are now leafed out and happy. I still ignore them and limit their fluids, and they are really doing well.
In other news…the bamboo has suddenly died.
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